324 days

It has been almost a year since I’ve touched this page. 324 days later and after reading all my previous posts, a bittersweet feeling lingers on.

I believed that blogging allowed me a platform for self-expression, for self-discovery, for self-understanding. But the truth is I’ve been so secretive of my ‘self’ that I felt vulnerable even being in the presence of strangers that I will probably never have the chance to meet.

I have no idea what brought me back here, but it’s probably because I don’t want to touch my piling work and I have just gone through the torturous Viper Challenge yesterday, which is currently inhibiting my movement. But being back here feels right. It feels safe. Though I am completely aware it is 95% not safe to be sharing my personal life out here in the open. What about vulnerability? Well, it’s been almost a year after all.

First things first, I think I would like to just recall the past and mention about the events that has happened in the blank space of the 324. Trust me, I am aware that it does not benefit you in any way, but I think it would for me. For some odd reason, even after outweighing the facts, I’m going to do it anyway.

I don’t quite remember which event happened in what month in 2014, but I know it’s in chronological order because I started journaling (ironically without the dates). So that’s a first:

I started journaling;

Well, it’s not quite journaling either, not in its original and natural diary structure anyway. And it wasn’t all words as you were to do with a diary. On the contrary, it’s filled with pictures, drawings, poems, quotes, verses, inspiring words from people and the, what I like to call it, hipster-wannabe-lines that has immensely brought me through life.

It is the dead honest truth when I say this helped save my life. It helped so much to be able to express myself in my truest form in this little book found lying around, unused and browning from a few Christmases ago. I would journal anytime I wanted, whenever I wanted. I didn’t care for consistency and therefore it didn’t become a burden that would eventually end up being given up. It holds the deepest, most vulnerable secrets of mine, written or drawn or coloured in a way that only I would understand. Because every stroke had its significance, every colour choice representing something or someone that has happened.

I believe it’s something I would do for years and all my life now, because it feels comforting whenever I’m doing it and it’s a good “memory book” for me to keep to see how far I’ve come. Most importantly, it ensures me the strength to how far I could go.

I started fasting;

No, it’s not for dieting purposes. In a matter of fact, I did not lose any weight the whole year and though there were fluctuations, I remained the same. So much for New Year resolutions. I started fasting for various reasons: the sake of trying it out, for religious purposes, for my country and for myself.

I’ve never fasted before this and starting off with the 40 days fasting before Easter (Lent, if I’m not mistaken?), it was an eye-opener for me. Though it is not usually practiced in my denomination, it brought me closer to God in prayer.

I fasted for my country because it was a mournful year for us. I’m from Malaysia, home of the MH370 and MH17 tragedies. God knows why and how it happened but I know that His ways are not our ways. And I am aware that I have the least to no right to say anything to the families affected and I can only imagine the pain and suffering that they are going through from their losses. But I would just like to say that the country mourns with you; I mourn with you. And in the recent one year commemoration of MH370, our hearts will still be with you until the day they are found. Sending you all my love.

I fasted for myself because as a human, I was destroyed and I was desperately begging for ease and rescue. And I knew that only God could revive me and only He could pull me into the light. As stupid and cliché and rolling-eyes it would sound, it’s because I fell in love. And it was the most destroying thing that has ever happened to me.

I fell in love;

Yes, I have stuck the “STUPID” label on my forehead. But love comes in such unexpecting ways and it marks its arrival so severely that it leaves scars and destroys everything in its way, and that includes the walls you put up to keep yourself safe.

It was incredible and it brought out the best and worst in me. It showed me sides I never thought I had and reflections that I could never mend. I was so attacked by love that my masks lost its effectiveness. I was terrified and lost and scared and my breaths were short whenever I thought about him. But whenever I was with him, all that fear disappeared. I would feel fearless and found and happy and beautiful.

I wouldn’t pour out the entire story now because it would take a few pages. Maybe next time, if you’re up for it? But just a summary of it so far: we’ve known each other since we were kids, we were always together but I never really took notice of him in that way because he was always the quiet one and I, the of course, extroverted overly happy one with the torn soul. I never told him about my feelings and he never clarified his with me. We were never together and we are not together. I don’t think it’s reciprocated, though I’m still not sure. I am about 100% sure it’s unrequited but I’m 100% sure it’s not either. Perhaps this is why I was so messed up by it and why 65 pages of my journal is about him.

I started writing poetry;

Perhaps they are not the most legit of poetry, form and structure wise. I take Literature in English and it ought to have made me particular about the technicality of a poem. For that I am truly sorry to Shakespeare and his gang of Elizabethan poets for defying this exquisite form of self-expression. And also to the current modern poets and others alike, I am so so sorry.

I’m still contemplating whether I should post them because they are very much amateur-standard. I’m just going to start with posting my very first one. It was for my Lit assignment before we even started getting into the groove with poetry. I was required to write it in Spenserian form but I think I messed up one of the syllable counts or something. Nonetheless, I don’t want to change it because this was it in the rawest form. Yes, it does have a Taylor Swift feel to it because I was listening to Love Story when I wrote it (devoted Swiftie here). Please do judge me. I entitled it “Sonnet 1” because I was trying to be cool so please ignore that I didn’t know sonnet numbering is for a sequential storyline thing. Anyways:

Far away long a fairytale dream,
Violet bats the eye of peculiarity.
Vast how it draws far the depths to it’s gleam,
Closer ye draw unfold curious mind see.

So near to the breath of that breathing plea
As petals dance red to fiery roses.
Touch and run, to tower of safety tree!
Or fall your knees the trance of hypnosis.

No white horse nor ballgowns, no prince exists.
Look! Showers the sky contain not its zeal.
Soaked with sheets of blue goodbye, the heart twists,
To fade to distance, my Achilles heel.

This fragile heart I surrender when due,
This leap of faith hope I later not rue.

Please share your thoughts with me.

I had an intervention.

This kind of continues on from that tragic love story I was talking about earlier. I went into this depressive phase for a few months because I was going through all these pain and I never let a single word about it slip through my lips. All my life, I never told anyone about my problems apart from homework and all that unimportant jazz. I would ensure everyonearound me that I was fine and I have never been better when honestly, my soul was about to die.

Don’t get this wrong, I love getting to know people and conversing with them, I love being the one that lights up the room and being the one that everyone can depend on. I genuinely care for others and I would run on a limp to ensure that they are safe and happy and encouraged and loved and there is peace. But somewhere along the lines, I wanted so much to ensure that everyone was cared for, I stopped even talking about the surfaces of my problems. I wanted to do so much for the people around me that I stopped letting them do the same.

All throughout high school, my close friends would ask why was my life so perfect and why was I so strong. Perhaps it was just because I didn’t want anyone to “waste their time” on me, because I felt that there could be more important things to worry for. I would always just pray about it because we should always tell God our problems and surrender everything to Him right? I knew that God would make it all better and I thought that I only needed to depend on Him and it was enough just telling Him.

I became bitter and completely torn from this love that I experienced and I became so desperate for the pain in my heart to ease that I started to fast too. I started tearing during car-rides and skipping mealtimes. I laid in bed more and laid in the dark more. I would sob myself to sleep and grasp a blanket over my mouth so no one would hear. My family started noticing it and though many unconvincing times I ensured them I was fine, I worried them even more day by day.

Until one night when I was at my most broken, God spoke to me. It wasn’t that I heard a whisper or a loud command. But just as my soaking eyes were closed and I was once again praying for the pain to be removed, a line of words just flashed across my vision. It said:

“You were meant to help and be helped.”

And I wrote it into my journal. After that I understood. My devotion for that night was about the loved ones that God placed in my life and how one of their purposes, like mine, was to encourage and help people and we are to do life together. I wanted to do life with so many people that I stopped letting others to do life with me. I realised that I needed to tell someone. I was immensely difficult for me as crazy as it may seem but I did. I started small, telling one friend from different groups of friends I had. So, one from college, one from church and one from high school. So I told 3 people in total.

And you wouldn’t believe how free I was. Not that it solved my problem, but it made it easier to deal with and it became less painful. Ever since then, I have told a few others and cried at how they cried. I was so thankful for them. I felt worthy of someone else’s care. God saved me but my loved ones were His tools.

Okay. Of course there is more to it and perhaps these are only introductions to topics that I may well get into, if the audience pleases of course. The details are what makes the stories alive and the lessons I’ve learnt through these stories are even more so.

I think I’ve written enough today and I feel that a craving has been satisfied. There are a few more events but perhaps I’ll save that for another day. And for persisting here for so long, I thank you, though I’ve forsaken you. I’ll try to do less of that.

Much love.

Best Banana Chocolate Chip Cookies.

So after an unacceptable excused 2 weeks, I’ve finally put my procrastination away on this blazing hot Saturday morning.

I don’t even know why I didn’t post this right away the minute I took a bite into these chewy soft chocolate chip cookies. Let me tell you though, they will blow your mind.

These cookies don’t snap, because they’re not crisp, because they’re not sheet thin. These cookers are chewy and they sink in your teeth. They’re almost pinky-sized thick. They’re covered with chocolate chips with a hint of banana. They’re better than subway’s. They are awesome and will be gone in minutes. They are most perfect on a rainy day with a glass of cold milk and a warm blanket.

These cookies are a classic and it’s my go-to ultimate CCC recipe. If you don’t like bananas, you could totally omit them but I will never seem to understand your distaste.

The only con to this recipe is that it requires chilling. If you’re like me, whenever I want cookies, I want them now. Not a few hours later. BUT as impatient as I can be, I encourage you to give this a try because it was definitely worth the wait! To lighten up the mood, an hour’s worth of chilling the dough will do but you can chill it overnight as well.

Look at them. I mean how could you resist?

Alright, everything aside, I present you- The BEST Banana Chocolate Chip Cookies.

Best Banana Chocolate Chip Cookies

Ingredients:

3/4 cup unsalted butter (softened to rtp)

3/4 cup brown sugar

2 medium bananas (mashed)

1 large egg

2 tsp vanilla extract

2 cups all purpose flour

2 tsp cornstarch (cornflour)

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1 and 1/4 cup chocolate chips

Directions:

1. In a large bowl, beat the butter on medium speed until smooth and creamy. Add the brown sugar and mashed bananas and mix on medium speed until fluffy and light. Mix in the egg and vanilla. Scrape down the sides of the bowl as needed and mix until combined. In a separate bowl, sift the flour, cornstarch, baking soda and salt together. Slowly mix it into the wet ingredients on low speed until combined. Add in the chocolate chips and mix for a few seconds. Cover the dough with plastic wrap and leave it in the refrigerator to chill for at least an hour or overnight.

2. Remove cookie dough from the fridge and allow to sit at room temperature for 10 minutes. Preheat the oven to 350F and line a baking tray with parchment paper.

3. Take about a tablespoon sizes of dough and roll them into balls (they might be crumbly but will hold together in your palms). Bake for 9 minutes until they are barely golden brown around the edges. Allow them to cool on the cookie sheet for 5 minutes before removing them to cool completely on a wired rack.

Makes about 2-2.5 dozen.

College ( Really just a post for the sake of itself )

So I started college few days ago. And I can tell you, it was a definite change. Everything is anew. Which, might be either good or bad or both.

It was both for me. Setting apart the fact that on the first day, they mixed up my classes and had me running all over the place trying to settle the confusion and having end up half an hour late for my first lecture when I barged in and the whole class was looking at me, it was awkward.

I guess I just forgot how to make friends since I didn’t have to for a long time in high school. The atmosphere was awkward, I forget the names of my classmates and the fact I still don’t have a backpack points straight out that I am well not prepared for this.

3 days I have spent there and taking a moment to reflect, wow, time passes fast. I still can’t believe I’m even in college now. I used to be so terrified of change. All my life, and I may be able to speak for many that we are so used to being comfortable and spoon-fed, the sudden change becomes quite a lot to take in.

College is undeniably different. Its the stage where you learn to be independent and look for your own ways, take care of yourself. You are so much more exposed to the world, which, guarantees more mistakes, more failures and a whole lot of learning how to get back up.

I don’t think it has really sunk into me yet but I know eventually it will. More drama, more being unnecessarily emotional, more of being stronger, more knowledge, more experience, more trails and a whole lot more of counting on God.

Results

When someone gets good grades, the world is in light. When someone doesn’t, the opposite happens.

I hate competitions. I loathe being compared to another, realize you’re not up to par and have to struggle to keep your head above water. But, this is the world, isn’t it?

I’ve always been an average student, never thinking highly of myself. But once I started aiming higher, the expectations rose as well. And as I stay true to myself, knowing what they think does not define me, in that struggle to think such a way, there are always times that I lose.

Times like these are a perfect example. The grades I got did not reach my expectations, or rather, the expectations of the people around me, I can’t really tell the difference anymore. I feel fearful, disappointed, in doubt if I would ever dare try to challenge myself again. People’s opinions and thoughts and critics became my priority. And I lost myself in that process.

I didn’t want a pat on the back, a ‘you did your best’ or a pitiful stare people tend to give. I wanted a ‘wow’, a shake on the hand and admirable eyes staring at me. I wanted to please them, so that they would acknowledge me. I wanted my parents to tell people how proud they were of my accomplishment, teachers to get thrown aback by my performance. But that’s not the way, is it?

These days everyone is pressured to be accepted, to feel worthy. I shifted from the third class to the first, I became the president of my club, I had many reliable friends and I’m good with the teachers. But I was all these because I built on my character. It was a daily thing for me, to be a better person I was yesterday. But the more I build up myself, the more people expect of me. Soon, I got pressured and scared. Because I wanted to be the best all-rounder I could be. But now, it became for them instead of myself.

I was so afraid. If other people could do it, so could I right? I started crying through studying because I couldn’t process my textbook fast enough. I didn’t want to let anyone down. Instead of improving, my grades deteriorated. I would then get mad of myself. I would punish and label myself, calling myself names before anyone around me would. I became a huge bully to myself. It was such an inner struggle, like a battle that would never end.

People say that it’s okay, it’s alright, but it’s not. Not one bit. They don’t understand the sadness, disappointment and the feeling of a failure inside begging to show. Because you know what? You have to look strong too. You can’t let them see you vulnerable, because if you show your weakness, you become limited, they see your boundary.

I’ve come to realize I’m too much of a people pleaser. Rather, the only person I should please is God. But when the pressure comes, I tend to lose sight of that. It’s something that I have to seriously work on.

The wound is still fresh, it will sting a little, but it doesn’t mean it wouldn’t heal. Time will conceal like how it will on everything else. But till then, I’ve got to keep my head high, knowing that I’m not bounded by anyone’s views on me. I am special, and I don’t need people to tell me that.

The Best Frosting. Ever.

So I made a couple dozen of red velvet cupcakes the other day for my two-week internship colleagues and to my horror, there was no cream cheese in my fridge for the frosting. I mean what is red velvet without cream cheese frosting right? I was deeply troubled.

So I took a ride on the WWW and realised that apparently, there are people who are not so fond of cream cheese. Weird.

And as I proceeded, I stumbled on “Flour & Milk Frosting”. And my first reaction was like what? Ew. Hellz no.

But I went on and did some research anyway. Apparently red velvet’s original frosting pairing was with this unusual one. You know, before the Americans came and decided to pizzaz everything up.

So, I decided I’d give it a go because the rave about how mind-blowing the frosting is was crazy.

And after frosting the cupcakes, I gave it a taste test (always crucial). And OMGEEE. GOSH. I gave it a moment. The frosting deserved a moment. I totally forgotten about the cupcakes. I never forget about cupcakes.

It’s a rather technical recipe and technique for frosting and you have to make it by hand. No packaged shortcuts. This is like, authentic.

A few comments about the frosting, it is like buttercream. BUT the butter flavour is not as strong as buttercream as it doesn’t contain a bajillion cups of butter. But the flavour does hints it.

Ps. This frosting is actually considered a healthier option than the usual. I mean compared to the ones in the bakery and stores.

Give this a go and I’m sure you wouldn’t regret it. You need to.

Flour & Milk Frosting

1 cup Milk

5 TBS Flour

1 cup butter

1 cup granulated sugar

1 TSP Vanilla Extract

1. Whisk the milk and flour together. Put it over the stove over medium heat, whisking it until it has a thick consistency. It will be very, very thick.

2. Let cool completely to room temperature. After it has cooled, stir in the vanilla.

3. While the mixture is cooling, cream the butter and sugar until fluffy. Make sure there aren’t sugar granules left!

4. Add the flour/milk/vanilla mixture in and beat the batter very vigorously, until it resembles whipped cream. Medium high speed for accurately 45 seconds will make it perfect.

5. Taste test. Frost it on everything.

And that’s it! A recipe with ingredients you can find lying around your house. It is able to frost a good 2 dozen cupcakes. If there’s any left from the taste test that is.

Apple Pie

I’m pretty sure by the title and picture that this is pretty self-explanatory.

I mean, we all know that the famous apple pie always have had a place in our hearts. Be it from grandma’s secret recipes or from your nearby McDonald’s, there is no denial of apple pie.

I honestly LOVE apple pies – classic, mixed, all granny smith, crumble, you name it. But I have never tasted one that was THE one. Some fillings would be too sweet or the crust would be too crumbly or maybe even too salty.

The beauty of an apple pie is it’s unique combination of sweet and savoury. That moment when you sink your teeth into that perfect little slice, oh gosh help.

But enough of fantasizing! I’ve come across a much voted recipe from Yummy.Com (which you should totally check out if you haven’t already) and decided to try it out. And I present you the birth of that beauty up there. A well balanced apple pie that got my family excited for once and a great achievement to proudly claim it as your own. I can guarantee, it’ll go well with anyone.

But first a heads up, it does take some work so I’d label it as a medium levelled recipe. But do not fret! It will be worth it. I’ll post little “heads up” (*) for you guys in the recipe that I think will improve it. By all means, experiment! Life is too short to simply follow 😉

Hope you’ll love it as much as I did!

Ingredients:

For the dough:

• 2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour (* I suggest 2 2/3 cups instead *)
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 2 tsp. granulated sugar
• 16 Tbs. (2 sticks) cold unsalted butter, cut into 1/2-inch dice
• 3 to 4 Tbs. ice water

For the filling:

• 2 lb. Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored and cut into slices 1/4 inch   thick
• 2 lb. Pink Lady apples, peeled, cored and cut into slices 1/4 inch thick
• 1/2 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
• 1/4 cup granulated sugar  (* I used brown sugar for this as well *)
• 1/2 tsp. ground cinnamon. (* and a dash more! *)
• 1/4 tsp. salt
• 1/4 tsp. freshly grated nutmeg
• 4 tsp. cornstarch
• 1 Tbs. fresh lemon juice
• 2 Tbs. cold unsalted butter, cut into 1/2-inch pieces
• 1 egg white, beaten with 1 tsp. water
• 2 tsp. granulated sugar

Directions:

To make the dough, in a food processor, pulse the flour, salt, and granulated sugar together until combined, about 5 pulses. Add the butter and process until the mixture resembles coarse meal, about 10 pulses. Add 3 Tbs. of the ice water and pulse 2 or 3 times. The dough should hold together when squeezed with your fingers but should not be sticky. If it is crumbly, add more water 1 tsp. at a time, pulsing twice after each addition. Turn the dough out onto a work surface, divide in half and shape each half into a disk. Wrap the disks separately in plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least 2 hours or up to overnight.

On a lightly floured work surface, roll out half of the dough into a 12-inch round about 1/8 inch thick. Fold the dough in half and then into quarters and transfer it to a 9-inch deep-dish pie dish. Unfold and gently press the dough into the bottom and sides of the dish. Trim the edges flush with the rim of the dish. Refrigerate for 30 minutes.

On a large sheet of lightly floured parchment paper, roll out the remaining dough disk into a 12-inch round about 1/8 inch thick. Using leaf pie cutters, make rows of cutouts in the dough, spacing them 1/2 inch apart and leaving a 1-inch border along the edges, to create a lattice appearance. Reserve the cutouts for decorating. Reroll the dough scraps to make more cutouts. Refrigerate the lattice top and cutouts for 30 minutes.

Meanwhile, make the filling: In a large Dutch oven, stir together the apples, brown sugar, granulated sugar, cinnamon, salt, nutmeg and cornstarch. Set over medium heat, cover and cook, stirring occasionally, until the apples are just tender but not mushy, about 20 minutes. Uncover and cook until the liquid has thickened and become glossy, 5 to 7 minutes more. Remove from the heat, stir in the lemon juice and let cool to room temperature, about 30 minutes.

Position a rack in the lower third of an oven, place a baking sheet on the rack and preheat the oven to 400°F.
Let the pie shell, lattice top and leaf cutouts stand at room temperature for 5 minutes. Transfer the apple filling to the pie shell, scatter the butter pieces on top, and gently invert the lattice top over the pie. Trim the edges flush with the rim of the dish and press the top and bottom crusts together to seal. Brush the underside of the leaf cutouts with egg wash and gently press them onto the edges of the piecrust, overlapping the leaves slightly. Decorate as desired with the remaining leaves. Brush the entire top crust with egg wash and sprinkle with the granulated sugar.

Place the pie dish on the preheated baking sheet. Bake until the crust is crisp and golden brown, about 1 hour, covering the edges with aluminum foil if they become too dark. Transfer the pie to a wire rack and let cool for at least 1 1/2 hours before serving. Serves 8.

What do I do?

People say when you come to the end of the road, that’s where your life ends. On the contrary, I’d like to view it in another perspective.

To me, if you still have a road to travel on, you’re probably still in your comfort zone. Sure there might be bumps and potholes, traffic lights where you’d have to slow down and wait, highways, shortcuts, warning tickets for your speed limit and a few accidents, but even then, you are still on the road. The real adventure begins when the road ends, and trust me, you life does not end there.

Imagine the pavement getting cut off, and onward, your eyes rest upon nothing but bare land. No road, no paths, no treks, no trails, no direction. That, is where it all begins. You will come to a point in your life where you reach that stage. Everyone does, eventually. All you see are footprints everywhere, steps other people have taken as they journey on to oblivion. And then there’s you, cliff-hanging, wondering what to do, confused on where to go. 

Now, let’s not feel hopeless. What if I gave you a compass? Would you know where to go? For some, definitely. Because when they were on the road, they have come to know what they want in life, where they picture themselves later on. For people like these, once the compass is at hand, they would know where they would journey. They would know if they had to go up North or towards East to get to their desired destination. But for most of us, even when the compass is at hand, we wouldn’t know where to go. Because, we don’t know where we want to go.

For some people, they face this problem only when it comes to work. For others, it may happen as early as deciding what courses to take. That, I can relate. If you feel utterly lost, confused, indecisive and just flat out zoning into depression (exaggerating), I feel you. At our age, some of us wouldn’t know what we want because we haven’t even completed developing to the person we ought to be. Here are some tips and advice that the kindest of people have given me throughout my time standing in this position, looking into nothingness. 

1. Who are you?

Start by taking some time off and figuring out who you are as a person. Interview yourself. I know it might sound somewhat weird, but trust me, it helps. Ask yourself questions, get to know who you are. Some good questions are : What do I like? What don’t I like? What are my hobbies? What is my favorite subject? Who is my inspiration? What do I stand up for? What makes me angry/uncomfortable/sad?

The questions you can come up with are endless. In the end, you get pages of your identity right there. Read it through and you’ll have a hint of yourself as a whole. 

You can also do personality tests that are available online. The Jung Typology Test has been a really helpful one so far.

2. Who are you to others?

Now this time, talk to the people around you. Sometimes we do things unconsciously. It is always helpful to get a second or third party opinion about us. Ask your parents, friends, teachers, neighbors even! The people closest to you are the people who have been the most present throughout your life. Ask them, “What kind of a person do you think I am?” or “What do you see me become in the future?” . While not all the answers may seem appealing but you get a sense of how you are like, in their eyes. And maybe, you might get to know something about yourself that you’ve never really noticed before! 

3. Research, research, research.

The internet is concentrated with information about different careers out there. Do you have a “dream job” that you’ve been secretly hiding to yourself? Well it’s time to make that dream a reality because the journey starts now. Do some research on the steps you have to take to reach that dream. Check on all the colleges and universities that offer the course you are interested in. Drop in for a visit for more detailed information too! Ask people who are currently taking the course you are interested in to know what it is about. Ask people who are out in the field working to see how it is like. Go see counselors! They are there for a reason. They’ve been through the training to help you out with decisions like these. Who knows, you might even find your interest along the way and get to know jobs and careers you never even knew existed before!

4. What if my parents don’t agree with my decision?

Many have faced this problem. But let me ask you, how much do you want this? How much are you willing to give to take your stand? Our parents only want the best for us and they do know what’s out there. They concern, it is part of parenting. All I can say is, if you are really strong on your say, show it! Not by yelling of course. We don’t want an argument here. Do your research, on what jobs you can have if you take whichever course you want to take. List out your reasons, show your passion. Give a full ‘report’ on what you can get out of your choice. When your parents see that, they’ll be like “Wow, you really know what you want.” Show them you are determined, show them your abilities. All they want is for you to be happy so show them what gives you that! Don’t create an argument and start being disrespectful because it only shows how immature you are and gives them a point against you and your decision. Settle this like an adult, because you are one now.

5. Be brave. Be confident.

Stop belittling yourself. You are not average! None of us are. Look at Oprah Winfrey or Bill Gates even. They started off just like you and me. What makes you think you can’t achieve what they have? Dream big and run. Who you are is not others to define. You define who you are. You can’t control how others think of you but you can control how you perceive yourself. No matter what you choose to do or become, it will build you to be the person you are meant to be. So make sure you live your life to it’s fullest potential. Don’t let the future boggle up your mind until you lose the now, the present. 

There are tons of articles about making a career decision but life is so much more than just a career. Sometimes all you need is just faith. Instead of standing at the edge, thinking about which direction you should go, why not just take a step? What have you got to lose? Would you rather go through a well thought out plan or discover what life has got to offer instead? Know who you are and head towards the scene that grabs your attention. If later on you realized it’s just not your thing, move on. Discover more. 

Most importantly, pray about it. Seek for guidance and wisdom. Your life is in God’s hands. You’re a beautiful creation that is worth so much more than how you price yourself. So take heart! Don’t lose hope.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” JEREMIAH 29:11

 I wish you all the best because you deserve nothing less. 

Oh, January

Here I am, back after a month. What a winner.

We are in the midst of celebrating Chinese New Year right now! So, to those who are celebrating with me, Happy Chinese New Year! I wish the best of health to be upon your family.

Boy, January was dreadful. All this while, all I could ever think about was how to escape this maze of confusion that I oh-so-happy-jollily stumbled into. I started working with my relative in her company for private and international education in Malaysia. I was in the marketing department and work was going swell. Oh, until I quitted yesterday. Which I will explain.

I worked every weekday morning till evening. It took only a week for me to get used to and I’ve learnt loads. I’ve even called up major companies (which I am very proud of myself for doing). All was going great until my friend busted me with THE question: “So what are you going to study?” And it hit me, I don’t know. I still didn’t know. I would come home exhausted everyday and I realised I never put much thought into it, which I definitely should.

With time running out, I spent my last two weeks of January digging information everywhere, doing researches and interviewing people. One of them includes my friend – Mae. Wow. She is an angel. Literally, I think God was luring me to her. She’s working now but has been exactly where I am standing now years ago. We talked over lunch and it was the best talk I’ve ever had with somebody. She speaks with clarity and passion. I can see it in her, how she revisited the younger version of herself and told the tale of the story of her life. She speaks with understanding and raw emotions. I was in no position to speak at all. The words that flow through were all vulnerable yet determined. I was in awe as she shared her experience with me. The advice she gave was not like anyone else’s because they never went through it, they never wore these shoes. And I felt a lot better after our talk.

And then I quitted. Not in any way was it because of my convo with Mae. I need some time, a lot of time for me, myself and I. The thing is, the time I have right now is supposed to be the time for me to think things through. Why am I filling it up with work, then exhaustion? Was work really necessary? It wasn’t, though it gave me a view of things. I am truly grateful for this opportunity but it’s just something I had to do. I had to leave. For my sake. Yes, my sake.

Somehow it feels like my decision on what to study is everyone else’s business, excluding the ones who are just curious. I need it to be MY decision, MY voice inside my head, MY perspective on things, MY successes and MY failures. It is MY life. So when can people just stop?

When was the last time I did something I loved doing? I don’t remember. When was the last time I felt happy of who I was? I don’t remember. I am supposed to discover who I am but now I feel like I’m being tossed and turned in this wave and I’m losing myself even more. I’m losing my values, my person, my character and my identity. I need to step back from all of this and just think. Time for me to be with myself. And for my conversations with God to go uninterrupted. I want to know what He has in stored for me instead of other people’s IMHOs.

I have decided to enrol myself into a college for A Levels. And I think it’s a good decision. Problem is, do I enter the March or July intake? Obviously the March intake is an accelerated one but the July is delayed. Will I cope with the March intake? If I go for the July one, what am I supposed to do until then? Work for my relative again? I will have 5 whole months to burn. I don’t want to be stuck in an office all day. It wasn’t my thing from the beginning.

I’m in a rather uncomfortable spot. But I know all I have to do is to cast my worries upon Him and he will shine light unto my path. But that doesn’t mean He’s going to show me my entire journey. I need to take it one step at a time and just let Him guide me.

God doesn’t shine light unto your entire path and show you everything. Instead, He shines light onto our next step. That way we take it one step at a time and learn to rely on Him instead of ourselves.

Wise words from Mae that I will remember forever. In the end, decisions have to be made. I just hope it’s not from me, but from Him instead.

Time for New Things

Ah. The new year is upon us. The time of year where everyone starts jotting down new year resolutions. The gym should be jammed packed with sweaty people right now getting toned and fit just to go empty again. Trust me, just give it a few months.

Every year I would be so fired up for the new year, making resolutions I vowed to keep and setting goals for myself to reach. But I have come to realize that those goals were far too unachievable and I would forget all about it in a couple of weeks, tops. This year, I plan to start looking at things a little more differently, afresh. I don’t want to just make a list of ‘resolutions’ that I’ll never keep. Rather, I have something better planned.

I want to start looking at things differently, starting with the ‘resolution making’ that begins every year. Like I said before, I don’t want to promise myself something I can’t keep or relatively unachievable. That’s why I’m not making any resolutions this year. Nope. Not even one. Instead of setting sky high goals or ridiculous expectations to reach by the end of 2014, I want to improve myself a little more each day.

“You don’t set out to build a wall. You don’t say ‘I’m going to build the biggest, baddest, greatest wall that’s ever been built.’ You don’t start there. You say, ‘I’m going to lay this brick as perfectly as a brick can be laid. You do that every single day. And soon you have a wall.”

— Will Smith

No more trying to be perfect. I’ve set my mind to just slowly improve. Doing more, doing better each and every day.  Jotting everything down and I just know if I keep my consistency, by the end of the year, I would automatically have achieved something unexpected. Self improvement rather than drastic changes. It’s the climb that counts right?

Spiritually though, I’m searching for growth. In 2013, I haven’t been really tight knitted with God as I’d like to and I’m hoping for a change in that. The fruit of the Spirit, everyone knows about it. The bible says every individual is like a tree and as every tree, it bears fruit. But the fruit someone bears is completely dependant of themselves like how they build their character and attitude.

But the fruit of the Spirit is LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS and SELF-CONTROL. Against such things there is no law.

Galatians 5:22-25

Like I’ve said before I’ve taken a new perspective of things. Previous times, this verse appeared to me than just another rule God wanted us to follow. Something like the 10 commandments but the fruit of the spirit is more towards the attitude and character of one person. Something like a guide on how we should act. True enough that for someone to bear all of them is kind of difficult. Nobody’s perfect anyway. But looking it at another perspective, I want to discover what each of the fruit is to me. I want to take my perspective on it. What does love mean to me? What does joy mean to me? What does peace mean to me? And so on..

I just graduated from high school and am going to college soon in a few months and it seems like everyone has their life all sorted out for them. All my friends know what course they’re going to take, having their interests and gifted abilities to peruse their dreams. But what about me? I feel myself like an all-rounder and trust me I’m far from bragging. It’s like if I’m given something to study or do, I can do it if I’m required to. I can work hard. The thing is I just don’t know what I’d like or rather do you know? I don’t have any ‘talents’, I’m not really musically inclined, and I don’t really have a specific interest in something, particularly. I’m still in that phase where I’m stuck and if I don’t make my decision sooner, I’m a goner.

I am still in my journey of self discovery and I think we all are. In the meantime, I want to take up this challenge to discover what the fruit of the Spirit means to me. Everyone has all their fruits on their ‘branches’. It’s just the matter of ‘ripeness’ of the fruit. For an example, someone’s level of ‘love’ can be higher than another but the person’s ‘self-control’ could be higher than theirs.

I want to try a little project here where I document what I’ve discovered about myself and how the fruit of the spirit means to me and file them individually this year. You are all welcomed to join me of course! I dare not expect anything this year but I just hope I’ll be a survivor.

To self discovery, a new hope, a new beginning, new challenges and an amazing 2014.

Summing up 2013

Time does fly quickly. Truth be told, it hasn’t been quite a fulfilling year as it planned out to be. It was really quite a hectic year, most of the time spent on books, studying for finals. It seems to me now, looking back, my time has been revolving around of the cycle of studying to almost daily tuition classes and friends telling me to ‘chill out’. Well, minus all the drama of course but everyone goes through that in high school.

Last Sunday, we were having a little thanksgiving session about our year and I practically blabbered out the exact same thing as the other person. And I’ve been feeling a pang of regret ever since and I might as well do it here. So here’s what I would’ve said if I could travel back in time.

This year has been a journey for me. It seems like I’ve learnt so much in a mere 365 days. People know me as the girl who’s passionate about Christ, who helps out anyone in need and does not regard herself, who is smart and knows how to excel and the one called ‘perfect’. I’m sure anyone would be flattered to be known as such a person but I feel… unworthy, untrue, disgusted and it all seems like a lie.

I long to be passionate for Christ but sometimes I am and others I’m not. Sometimes the fire burns so vigorously and alive in me but sometimes it’s just a mere flicker. But this year though? I’ve drifted so far away I was convinced I was losing my soul. My willpower, my hope, my fire. Parents say (especially Asian ones) that dating during high school will only be a disturbance. Boy, were they spot on alright. Ever since I started dating around the end of last year, it seems like my life started revolving around the guy instead. To please him, to spend time with him, encourage him, comfort him, stand up for himself FOR him. It was like it became a chore, taking care of him. Sure we had fun times together, but bringing in the bad ones as well? It was not worth it. It became a relationship whereby someone loves someone more then they love them and I loved less. I wasn’t ready for ‘forever’ I was merely just ‘dating’. Love. Such a powerful word but misused by so many. To cut it short, all my time started to fall in place to tend to him. At the same time, distancing myself to the one who loves me more than anyone ever could – God. And I had to stop it. I was tired, I couldn’t bear it anymore and I needed God back so I ended it. And it was the best decision I’ve made in my life. Some people still say the act was cruel, making comments saying that I’ve ‘played’ him, toyed with his feelings. The act was cruel but if I never had feelings for him, why did I even bother for so many months? I let it slide though, they can say whatever they please.

The girl who helps everyone is sometimes the girl who troubles another person in her help. I’ve been naïve and have caused trouble to many especially my family members for the things I volunteer to help out in. Needing them to wait for me, driving me everywhere and also to put up with me. I was so careless that I thought about the needs of others over the capability of my family. I was so dumb and I learnt well from that. Totally going to get my driving licence soon.

The one who is smart and is able to excel. You see, this year, the teacher in charge apparently shifted me two classes above and landed me in the first class of Pure Science Stream. Everyone including my parents were so proud of me, praising me. But it was so difficult. Being placed in a class full of top scorers, students who understands something completely just after one lesson, students with amazing memory, all-rounders and incredibly skilled, was a whole ton of pressure. I was top 3 in my old class but here I was of the bottom few. It took a great toll on me, labelling myself as a failure and never being good enough.

Perfect. Nobody’s perfect right? I’m perfectly imperfect. My enemy this year was laziness. I would be so lazy I wanted to rebuke myself. I was far from perfect as ever. I went into so many stages of self mocking. I felt like I was at the bottom of the ocean drowning while everyone successfully made it to Mt. Averest. People are never as they seems outwardly. Inside, I felt like a crumpled piece of paper.

True enough the list of failures for me this year goes on and on. But I have come to learn each fall I take, I get up learning something valuable. To put God first before anyone else, to be considerate for others especially my family, to know that God never gives you a challenge you can’t handle and never strive for perfection because it’s an endless road. All these lessons were arranged specifically by God to teach me, educate me and to wake me up. To that I am forever grateful. I fell but God taught me how to get up.

This year was definitely a collar coaster ride for me and somehow I am looking forward to the next year. Somehow, I think God’s telling me something. The deets will come later but trailer alert, the ride’s just getting started.